the countdown is on

6 days until I am Mrs. Merrill!

So crazy. I met Mike in grade 10, he was shy, had black fingernails, shaggy blue hair and wore Slayer t-shirts. I was thin with long blonde hair, very outgoing and wore the " latest trends ".
A couple no one would have seen coming, I'm sure. I know I didn't.
I wish I could say for me it was " love at first sight " but it wasn't and I don't believe in that anyhow. As the story goes after the day we met he went home and told his mom " I'm going to marry her. " Who knew he'd be right....
I sat in front of him in math class. Or some days he'd sit in front of me. Never beside each-other, always one in front of the other. I don't know who made the first move, or how we became comfortable enough but every day math class because a time for him to run his fingers through my hair or mine through his and flirt shamelessly. Even though we were both in relationships and even if I was just in grade 10 I had been in mine nearly 3 years. That hour of math class everyone else sort of disappeared and I looked forward to it more and more each day.
There was just something about him that attracted me. He was different from the boys I knew. He was interesting and knew a lot about music. ( It didn't help that he was actually good at math and I was terrible )
When summer came he signed my yearbook, multiple times. Saying I was the best friend he could ever ask for, how he loved me etc He gave me his phone number and said to make sure I called. I never did.
The next year I transferred schools. I didn't see Mike or talk to him for over a year. My friend sent me a forward one day, I don't know why I opened it, I usually just delete them but this time I opened it and looked through who she'd sent it to and there was Mike's email address.
I took it and added him to MSN and we started talking every, single, day. We'd stay up most nights until nearly 6am. He was single and I was back and forth with that first boyfriend. I invited Mike to a baseball game of mine never thinking he'd show up alone and watch, he did.
I was so happy to see him sitting their in the bleachers.

We started to hang out, go to movies, have dinner, go for walks etc. I used to say we were " just friends" and I wasn't doing anything wrong by hanging out with him but when you start falling in love with someone who isn't your boyfriend....it's no longer a friendship.

Mike fell for me and he fell hard. He was so perfectly sweet. He'd bring me flowers and write me notes, he'd kiss my neck and hold my hand.
I did cheat on that boyfriend, not something I say with pride, but not with regret. It might be too much detail but it seemed to go on all night and I remember almost every detail of it. Not something I can say about my first time with anyone.
After that I panicked. I had a boyfriend, I was falling in love with my now bestfriend, he was in love with me.
So as a scared teenage girl what do I do? I leave them both. I guess I thought if I was feeling like this for 2 people ( even though boyfriend #1 and I had been going downhill it's no excuse ) then I probably wasn't ready to commit myself to anyone.
Mike and I tried being friends. We hung out a lot and it never ended up as " hanging out " We'd get in fights because he loved me and I loved him but truth be told I was a bitch. I just needed to be alone and figure myself out. I am not proud of the way I handled this part of us but I have apologized and we've moved on.

Months later I met Collin's dad Geoff and not long after dating became pregnant with Collin.
When I found out one of the first things I said to my mom was " oh my god. How and I supposed to tell him! " and my mom's response was " Mike will be hurt yes but you do have to tell him before someone else does. "
Yeah....one of my first thoughts was how do i tell Mike...
I blurted it out in the car one night as we were driving. He was devastated and took me home. I had never felt something like that. A pain where you just broke a piece of someone.

Mike was still my friend all through the pregnancy. He still told me he loved me but if Geoff and this baby made me happy then he'd be there for me. If anything ever happened he'd be there waiting for me. We'd watch movies in his room and it was horribly awkward. He'd tell me how beautiful I looked and hold my belly while Collin moved inside.
Nothing ever happened when I was pregnant with Collin. I never cheated on Geoff with Mike but a piece of my heart still belonged to him.
3 months after Collin was born and we were back together. It wasn't the easiest thing and Mike harboured a lot of resentment for the things I did and he'd kept a relationship secret from me...and both of those were hard on us. We kept trying and we had a love so strong it really did surpass all the bad.

He's always loved Collin, treated him like his own son. He adores him and Collin loves him right back. If any of you have a man who loves your son like his own son then you know the feeling I am talking about. Watching them together has always melted my heart.
We've moved in and out with each other, had a baby, had fights, made up, loved and lost together. We've been through too much to ever write in one blog post but through the good and bad we really have stuck it out together. I'm sure on the outside some people think we're not perfect for each other but we are. We have our own little words and phrases that mean nothing to anyone but us, our sense of humours are completely in sync and I don't know what I would do without him. Honestly. I was never the type who " needed " a boyfriend but I need Mike. He makes the end of every day worth it and I get to start every morning with a kiss from him. That's really all I need.

There was good and there was bad and I am sure there will be both of those again but as long as we have each other I think we'll be ok. We make each other stronger and challenge each other to do things we wouldn't on our own. We're not perfect but we have something worth holding on to, something worth growing and sharing in together.

I couldn't be happier marrying anyone else. He said the day we met he'd marry me and I guess he was right, this time ;) .

Josh

I have been absent and have been trying to wrap my head around this.
I know I needed to write this out, explain it, deal with it. Mostly I have been avoiding it.

My good friend Josh who I had made an earlier post about:
http://totlerlove.blogspot.com/2010/04/leighland.html
has lost his battle with cancer.

Josh passed away friday June 18th while with his mom, wife, sister and one of his younger brothers.

Josh and I have been friends for a few years. More years then it seems like, in those years we grew really close and had a great friendship.

Josh found out in October of 2009 that he had glioblastoma multiforme ( stage 4 brain cancer.) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glioblastoma_multiforme
The prior summer he was suffering from really bad headaches and at the age of 25 no one thought anything of it. It was just a headache. He visited the hospital it was so painful and again just a headache. Nearing the end of October just days after his 26th birthday josh got out of the shower and said he felt his arm flinging in an upward motion towards his face, when he looked though, his arm wasn't moving. As he described this was pretty terrifying and he stood up to go to Alyssa ( his girlfriend at the time ) and when he stood he began to have a seizure. He fell onto the floor just missing the table and he couldn't speak or move. Luckily Alyssa heard him and called 911. Josh had never had a seizure before so they did a CAT scan, MRI, X-rays etc.
When it came back it was nothing anyone had expected. A brain tumor. This particular type of tumor is more likely in males but normally males over the age of 50.
It was already at stage 4 when they found it, it was inoperable meaning they can operate but it won't save him. They had handed him a death sentence. Everyone had hoped for a miracle but I did my research, I spoke to a friend who does these operations and knew it was only a matter of time.

Josh was told he wouldn't make it until Christmas. After his first operation he was so positive and upbeat he had an attitude that made you think " maybe he can beat this ". His fingers were a little shaky and he now used a walker, aside from that though he was the same old Josh. We hung out all day and laughed and talked and never really spoke about the cancer.


It was only about a month later and Josh had become paralyzed on his whole left side. With the help of a bridal shop, radio station, Sears and a few other places josh and Alyssa were married in the hospital on December 16th. Their daughter was due Dec 26, his daughter is why he fought so hard. He had to meet her.

About 2 weeks later Josh needed another immediate surgery, he had begun to lose his vision.
He first opted out of it but it got to the point where he didn't have the choice.
He was afraid he'd wake up completely paralyzed or worse.

His daughter Leighland was born Jan 3rd and Josh completely lost his vision the next day. I'm so glad he got to see her being born and hold her.

Every week that I went to see Josh he was worse. Talking less, conscious less, losing weight, losing his hair, losing his hearing. If it's something you've never seen someone go through I don't think you can fully understand it. Some weeks he didn't even know I was there. He started to look completely different. I remember thinking at the beginning,aside from the incision he looks the same. He didn't look like he had cancer. Once he hit 90 lbs, lost most of his hair and the medication made his face swell you wouldn't even know it was the same person. It was heartbreaking.

Josh was told near the end of April there was nothing more they could do and he was losing his battle. He wanted to go home. He moved home with his wife and their daughter and his wife's parents but the noise was too painful in the city and made his headaches even worse. So Josh moved in with his family and had spent the last 6 weeks there.

When he called me a couple weeks ago he could barely talk or hear anything I was saying but he made some jokes, asked about the wedding and the kids.

I received a call June 16 from his wife's stepmother telling me Josh was rushed to the hospital and the doctors said this was it. I drove up at 10 pm and stayed as long as I could. His mom had been awake for so long and I urged her it was ok to sleep that I wouldn't leave him and I would wake her if anything happened. As a mother I understood her not wanting to miss a second. My heart truly went out to her even though I was losing him too, I was not losing the same Josh she was.
I held his hand and stroked his hair. He didn't look like Josh anymore. He had an oxygen mask on making it impossible to understand what he was saying. I felt so bad you could see how much energy it took him to say one simple thing and then I couldn't hear it. I removed the mask a few times when i saw him trying to speak. He said hi and thank you, I'm uncomfortable, he said ow! a lot but didn't want the pain medication because it made him sleep. He also said I love you and I told him that I loved him too, that he was a great friend and that I always appreciated our friendship.

His wife called me on friday to tell me he was struggling for breath and she told him It's ok Josh, you can go. We're all here and we love you. With that he took his final breath and was gone.

I spoke at his funeral along with his father and best friend. I had been there with him from the beginning of all of this right until I carried his coffin into the hearse and let go of that handle. I let my fingers trace alongside until he was all the way inside.To watch him deteriorate, to watch him become someone he wasn't, to watch him dying was absolutely one of the hardest experiences of my life. Josh was such a fun-loving guy. He was the kind of person you wish all your friends were like. He was so selfless and put up one amazing fight. When he was given 2 months he made it 8. He was the father of 3 kids that he loved and he was my friend.

I will never forget Josh and I will continue to tell his story so people know how amazing he was. How strong and determined he was, knowing him will truly make me a better person.

I can take this and feel some peace from it. I know wherever he is he can walk, he isn't in pain, he can see, he can do everything he used to. I miss him but I am also glad to know he is no longer in the kind of pain he has been in for the last 8 months.

I'm not sure how you end something like this but Josh was really a great person, I don't mean that in the way you say it just because someone passed, he really was one of those one in a million people who could always make you smile.

dreading summer?

I have a confession....for once I am sort of dreading summer....
All the boys do together is FIGHT.
Library, the park, the zoo, at home....they YELL, they fight, they run, they do.not.listen anymore.

It is wearing on us. It's getting hard to leave the house, it's hard to be IN the house but it's worse in public where people can see it.

I think it is SO hard to admit that your parenting isn't perfect. I am at a loss.
How can I make them be better? To listen, to stop hating each other.

Collin's dad has announced he has a new baby coming and Collin is devastated. He is horrified it will be like Vaughn, I find that so sad. This is how terrible their relationship together is. It's not funny boys being boys anymore. It's stressing us out! The last thing Collin wants is another sibling. He's not happy.

How can I make them play TOGETHER. Everytime one of them grabs a toy it is the toy the other one was going for. If one of them is in the other's way, all hell breaks loose. I can not bathe them together anymore they even fight over who gets the side nearest to the faucet ( who even wants THAT side anyway!? )

Do you have tips for summer? For when all your kids are home together? Any parents of multiples out there?

I wrote this last weds, I just couldn't post it until now.

Searra has been there for me in situations where any one human person just would not have done. My abusive father couldn't lay a hand on me while she was around, until I had kids we slept together every night ( and she snuck herself in there periodically anyway ), and she was always happy to see me. Yesterday we sat on the porch and she played in the hose. A few hours later she had a seizure. She's never had one before, it was horrifying. Immediately I called the vet and took her in. While we were there she seizured again and he figured out that she had a benign tumour on her pancreas causing her sugar levels to drop drastically. He said after this she will always seizure, it could get better and it may not. My options were keeping here there alone all night on an iv drip for an obscene amount of money I just don't have or having her put down.

I opted to take her home with some pain meds and see if she'd be alright.

She wasn't alright. I stopped counting at the 12th seizure...after that it was just continual shaking. I held her the whole time she was home and told her how loved she is. I am so glad I didn't leave her there to be alone all night seizuring. What a horrible end that would have been. I am so glad I brought her home with me and held her for as long as I could. At midnight I took her into the vet and held her while he put her down. I held her until I felt her heart stop beating and even then I couldn't let go. I stayed there with her and Mike for awhile and then I stayed with her alone for what felt like not long enough.

I already miss her more than I can describe. She was there for me for over half my life. I don't even remember not having a dog. She was just a part of every day life. I will always love her and always miss her.

Goodbye Searra, you made my childhood. I couldn't have made it through all of these things without you. You were not just a dog to me. I love you and I always will.

2003
2002
not sure how old this one is....i think about 2002

Searra has been my best buddy for the last 15 1/2 years.

I took this photo of her yesterday evening, the last photo ever taken of her.

last year

As soon as we get our own place I'm going decal crazy with these

http://www.etsy.com/shop/circlelinestudio

Summer beginnings

Happy wednesday!

Already we've had a lovely morning.
We got Collin off to the bus in time, we headed to the pharmacy from there.
Vaughn has what my doctor called " impetigo" ...I on the other hand think he's an idiot. I had him take a swab and actually find out what it is. He was there 3 weeks ago with this rash on his face and so the antibiotics started....about a week after the had finished and the rash was gone BAM it was back. He woke up yesterday with his face just covered. So I called and had him taken in immediately. So now he is on a stronger penicillin . Fingers crossed this one will do it.
He said if it comes back the whole family needs to come and have a test because one of us might be carrying it but showing no symptoms and just giving it back to him.
Hopefully that is not the case.

After the medicine we went to our wednesday Farmers Market. Oh how we love it there! Vaughn is a giant fan of the perogies! ( as am I but I barely get any with his little hands in the bag lol )
We got some cookies and fudge too. I love how cheap things can be there!
I got some natural arthritis medicine for Searra. The medicam she was on is just way out of our price range and she's having such a hard time walking. I feel awful but we can't afford $100 a bottle every month.
So fingers crossed again that this will work too. It's a fraction of the cost. He even gave me an extra bag because he was that confident I would love it and come back for more. Things like that definitely make me interested.

Now we're gonna snuggle up for a movie and munch on our cookies! ( After we medicate everyone lol )