Saturday, July 24, 2010

the countdown is on

6 days until I am Mrs. Merrill!

So crazy. I met Mike in grade 10, he was shy, had black fingernails, shaggy blue hair and wore Slayer t-shirts. I was thin with long blonde hair, very outgoing and wore the " latest trends ".
A couple no one would have seen coming, I'm sure. I know I didn't.
I wish I could say for me it was " love at first sight " but it wasn't and I don't believe in that anyhow. As the story goes after the day we met he went home and told his mom " I'm going to marry her. " Who knew he'd be right....
I sat in front of him in math class. Or some days he'd sit in front of me. Never beside each-other, always one in front of the other. I don't know who made the first move, or how we became comfortable enough but every day math class because a time for him to run his fingers through my hair or mine through his and flirt shamelessly. Even though we were both in relationships and even if I was just in grade 10 I had been in mine nearly 3 years. That hour of math class everyone else sort of disappeared and I looked forward to it more and more each day.
There was just something about him that attracted me. He was different from the boys I knew. He was interesting and knew a lot about music. ( It didn't help that he was actually good at math and I was terrible )
When summer came he signed my yearbook, multiple times. Saying I was the best friend he could ever ask for, how he loved me etc He gave me his phone number and said to make sure I called. I never did.
The next year I transferred schools. I didn't see Mike or talk to him for over a year. My friend sent me a forward one day, I don't know why I opened it, I usually just delete them but this time I opened it and looked through who she'd sent it to and there was Mike's email address.
I took it and added him to MSN and we started talking every, single, day. We'd stay up most nights until nearly 6am. He was single and I was back and forth with that first boyfriend. I invited Mike to a baseball game of mine never thinking he'd show up alone and watch, he did.
I was so happy to see him sitting their in the bleachers.
We started to hang out, go to movies, have dinner, go for walks etc. I used to say we were " just friends" and I wasn't doing anything wrong by hanging out with him but when you start falling in love with someone who isn't your's no longer a friendship.
Mike fell for me and he fell hard. He was so perfectly sweet. He'd bring me flowers and write me notes, he'd kiss my neck and hold my hand.
I did cheat on that boyfriend, not something I say with pride, but not with regret. It might be too much detail but it seemed to go on all night and I remember almost every detail of it. Not something I can say about my first time with anyone.
After that I panicked. I had a boyfriend, I was falling in love with my now bestfriend, he was in love with me.
So as a scared teenage girl what do I do? I leave them both. I guess I thought if I was feeling like this for 2 people ( even though boyfriend #1 and I had been going downhill it's no excuse ) then I probably wasn't ready to commit myself to anyone.
Mike and I tried being friends. We hung out a lot and it never ended up as " hanging out " We'd get in fights because he loved me and I loved him but truth be told I was a bitch. I just needed to be alone and figure myself out. I am not proud of the way I handled this part of us but I have apologized and we've moved on.

Months later I met Collin's dad Geoff and not long after dating became pregnant with Collin.
When I found out one of the first things I said to my mom was " oh my god. How and I supposed to tell him! " and my mom's response was " Mike will be hurt yes but you do have to tell him before someone else does. " of my first thoughts was how do i tell Mike...
I blurted it out in the car one night as we were driving. He was devastated and took me home. I had never felt something like that. A pain where you just broke a piece of someone.

Mike was still my friend all through the pregnancy. He still told me he loved me but if Geoff and this baby made me happy then he'd be there for me. If anything ever happened he'd be there waiting for me. We'd watch movies in his room and it was horribly awkward. He'd tell me how beautiful I looked and hold my belly while Collin moved inside.
Nothing ever happened when I was pregnant with Collin. I never cheated on Geoff with Mike but a piece of my heart still belonged to him.
3 months after Collin was born and we were back together. It wasn't the easiest thing and Mike harboured a lot of resentment for the things I did and he'd kept a relationship secret from me...and both of those were hard on us. We kept trying and we had a love so strong it really did surpass all the bad.

He's always loved Collin, treated him like his own son. He adores him and Collin loves him right back. If any of you have a man who loves your son like his own son then you know the feeling I am talking about. Watching them together has always melted my heart.
We've moved in and out with each other, had a baby, had fights, made up, loved and lost together. We've been through too much to ever write in one blog post but through the good and bad we really have stuck it out together. I'm sure on the outside some people think we're not perfect for each other but we are. We have our own little words and phrases that mean nothing to anyone but us, our sense of humours are completely in sync and I don't know what I would do without him. Honestly. I was never the type who " needed " a boyfriend but I need Mike. He makes the end of every day worth it and I get to start every morning with a kiss from him. That's really all I need.

There was good and there was bad and I am sure there will be both of those again but as long as we have each other I think we'll be ok. We make each other stronger and challenge each other to do things we wouldn't on our own. We're not perfect but we have something worth holding on to, something worth growing and sharing in together.

I couldn't be happier marrying anyone else. He said the day we met he'd marry me and I guess he was right, this time ;) .

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