It's really crazy how much a child changes. I find myself staring at them in amazement everyday thinking " How do you know to ask me ' is it suppa time yet mama? ' You're only 2! "
It seemed like a time not so long ago I would say " The ball is over there >>> look it's over there. Just turn..right there. Behind you..." and there was no way they were understanding that. Now if I say do you want to play catch? Collin can do it with a baseball mitt....how is that possible!!
I remember holding them the minute I had them and thinking "I'm your mama. You are mine and I am yours. I will be there every minute of your life. You will be my everything. I am responsible for this tiny human. This tiny human needs me to be in a safe place to sleep, to be fed, changed, bathed. I am solely responsible for another human."
Now my worries are things like, did they put their toys away? Where on earth did all their socks go? How can one child NEED ( and he NEEDS ) all these stuffed animals?
Being a mama is truly one of the most rewarding, hard, fun, love-filled job you could give a woman.
They really exceed my expectations and blow my mind everyday. In 10 days my tiny baby, my first, itsy-bitsy, 5lb 15 oz, blue eyes, white haired baby will be 5. He's still the smallest kid in his class ( which deep down I love, I want him tiny forever ) but his hair is brown now, it isn't full of ringlets. He doesn't call Ketchup " tepet" and eat it by the spoonful now. His name went from " Cow-win" to " Col LLIIIIIINNNNNUH! "
Vaughn can ask to watch the Ninja Turtles. Everyday he says " Dada go to work mama" This is a kid who developed slowly, we had an infant toddler development worker come to help him. He started to walk one year and 2 months ago. It seems like a few months ago. He is a kid who knows everything that is going on around him. He's a shining example of the " kids are watching more closely than you know ". If I say something like " hmm where did I put my phone." He'll say " I get yo phone mama! I do it! " and in he'll trot seconds later, phone in hand. He knows where EVERYTHING is. Lose your keys, wallet, clicker,...what you need is a Vaughn. He knows where they are! If he does something bad he'll look at me and say " I go to time out right now Mama! " I can't believe there was a time we worried he may have had autism. He can feed the dog and unload the dishwasher now. He can do chores....shouldn't he be crying for breastmilk and napping the day away. How did he get so big?
I'm starting to feel sad at all the changes. I love watching them grow and change and know that all my hard work with them pays off but I still miss waking up at 3 am to breastfeed and stare at their cute little faces and watch them watch me, listen to them make the cute little feeding noises, I miss swaddling them up and carrying them around in a babywrap. Sigh, I'm not doing well with the whole growing up thing.
I remember how annoyed I used to get at stranger saying things like " Oh, they grow up so fast! " and " In the blink of an eye they'll be in school." I thought it was so cliche and i found it annoying. Honestly, I don't know if any truer words have been spoken. One day I was 18 and just had a gut feeling. I took a pregnancy test 3 days before my birthday and 9 months later my life changed with Collin. One day I was hanging out with friends and going to school, having parties, sleeping till 2 or 3 pm and now I play with puppets, I potty train, I bake cupcakes, I wait at a bus stop to see my smiling 4 year old and hear about his day at school.
Having another child right now terrifies me. We aren't ready for another one right yet but remembering how sweet all of it is makes me miss having a baby. It makes me sad to see them become independent. I'm needed for food, love, and cleaning. Collin can dress himself, Vaughn can get the toothpaste on his toothbrush and brush his teeth. They're growing up. It's happening so fast and it's a wonderful thing to be a part of and it's sad. I know they will do new adorable things and then one day I will miss those but on days like today I miss my tiny babies.
How can it be possible that 6 years ago this august I found out I was having my first baby that would change everything. I remember shaking on the bathroom floor, crying hysterically. My friends there with me and then my mom came home from work and walked into the bathroom asking if everything was ok, my best friend sat on the test to hide it but no one hid the box. My mom sat beside me and said " ahhhh, it's all going to be ok Felicia." and I screamed back at her " for YOU maybe. I am going to have a baby! My life is OVER! My life is ruined!!! " I couldn't stop crying and shaking. It all seems silly now that I could have thought somehow Collin was " ruining my life " He is the best thing that ever happened. He made me such a better person, he made me so emotional, he made me love other people, he made me know it's ok to cry, I am strong, I'm important and if nothing else I have one person who needs ME. Now, I have 2 someone's who need me. And even when it's tough it's nice to be needed and know at the end of the day in the next room there are 2 sleeping boys who think I am better than ice cream.